It's all about learning . . .

. . . and I learned, oh yes I learned. I learned that I am truly afraid of heights. I thought everyone was kind of afraid, and assumed I was just more so than others.

This is not the case.

I'll make this brief.


Here is me, on the practice night:





Now, I am only about 2 stories high. And it took me about 5 minutes of serious mental bullying to get mself over the edge to go down. Everyone else there just . . went .. . down. No one had issues with it. And at least twice, i was planning to not even practice. But i told myself 'do this one thing, just this little thing. you don't have to do anything else, not even the big building. just do this. " and I did. and for me, it was huge.


On the drive home, I went past the building we would rappel down on thursday. And the truth started to creep in. it was really fucking high up. and I felt like throwing up. I never pictured 13 stories. I pictured about 6.


so I went home and looked up easter seal drop zone on youtube.com. holy shit. I watched a guy up at the top in TO, and i had to leave the room, I thought I'd fall right through the floor. and Kit, who was watching it with me, said "That looks like fun". what?

So I did a wee experiment. I posted the youtube link on my local parenting forum, and said Watch this. And every single post back said "that looks like fun!". And the Truth became crystal clear.


Not everyone is afraid of heights. I don't know what they see when they look down.I only know what I see. I see the earth tilting and me falling into space. Rational right? NO. bUt it's what is. And my fear is the same. Irrational. And immobilizing. And to me, therefore, insurmountable.


I am afraid of heights.

I think it was fantastic that I rappelled down the 2 story rock cliff. It was a truly scary, and it was an opportunity I'm glad I took advantage of. I have no regrets.

Until I realised I didn't have to follow through with the thursday rappel, I couldn't sleep. I felt sick, angry, anxious, paranoid. Ivy couldn't sleep, presumably from all the stress hormones in my milk.

It was only when my fantastic, not-afraid-of-heights husband said he'd go in my place that I could calm down. And sleep.

And so he did. And he was awesome. I went up to the top with him, and couldn't even bring myself to go near the edge. I can accept my fear. And I feel great about it. I am no longer romanticising the idea of overcoming one's fears. It is not always healthy, or necessary. Running the 10K was a massive challlenge for me. So was being able to admit that I cannot bear being up high. I accept this. I hope you're proud of me.


And so here, in all his caped glory, is the marvelous Kit, bungee jumper and office-building rappeller. He had a blast, and I am in awe of his view that it was 'fun'. that's just nuts. :) Ain't love grand?



see how there's nothing on the horizon but sky? holy crap.




he is up very high.




a friend who worked on the 4th floor snapped this awesome pic.





Thank you all for your support. I'm sorry I couldn't follow through. Please know I tried my hardest. Kit appreciates the opportunity to fly, and the kids at Easter Seals thank you so very much!


C